Sunday, June 2, 2013

Reflection and What if?.....

Today is Sunday, and it's passing, soon to be gone and Monday set to arrive.  I have been reflecting on my life today.  So many questions have passed through my mind like:

  • If I hadn't given up after 5 years of waiting for my husband to come back home, would I still be married?
  • Would the kids be better off?
  • Would I be better off?  He's wealthy.  Would I have nice clothes instead of the old clothes I wear day in and day out.  Would I have to work? Would I have something to eat besides cereal and bread with peanut butter and honey on it?  Would I be more active in my Church, with friends to do things with?
  • Would I have a nice car to drive?
  • Would I be able to help my parents more?
 So many "what if's".

And what if I hadn't married my second husband, so many things would have been different like:
  • My children's hearts wouldn't have been broken, and I wouldn't have heard things like, "Mom why does everybody leave us?"
  • I wouldn't have found out that one of my daughters was molested by him.
  • I wouldn't have had a nervous breakdown that has taken years to recover from.
So many "what if's".

I know I can't live my life wondering what if.  I know that, I really do.  I don't feel sorry for myself, though it may sound like it.  It's just a sore spot in my heart that doesn't seem to heal.  And sometimes I can't help but wonder.  If I had done things differently?  I guess we all think that way at one time or another.

Also, I want to tell you all that Tiah has improved.  The post I did about the differences between dogs and people was just that.  I had a dog when the kids were growing up.  She was the best dog ever.  Our yard wasn't affected by her, she was calm and obedient, and you could walk anywhere with her without a leash, because she would stay right by you.  She would sit in the front yard and watch the kids play and never run away.  And when I found myself alone, she was always there for me.  Unfortunately when I moved to Utah I had to leave her behind.  Luckily with good friends that took very good care of her until she died at 14 years of age.

Tiah has been a handful, but the first dog I've had on a one to one basis.  Different temperament and energy level.  But I'm amazed at the changes she has made, and makes everyday.  She's a good dog! and I'm grateful to have her.

I love you all, so very much, and I'm grateful for the friendships I have made through blogging.  Thanks for listening.



Buttons said...

Oh Susan I just want to hug you and tell you "what if's" are not the place you need to be you are doing the best you can and it will all work out in the end. I truly wish it was not so hard for you but just by reading your posts I know you are stronger than you think you are, and SOMEDAY you will know that your kids love you and you love them and everything is going to turn out OK.
Things always turn out just like your dog you had doubts about that and it is OK we all do that. Take care you are awesome. Hug B

TexWisGirl said...

honey, there are so many days i wish i could wind back the clock and do things differently - and that's just for me since i never had kids to worry about. so i can imagine all the stress and worry you go through. i have a hard time letting go of hurts so choices that send your life in different directions must be hard to 'settle' with, too.

Maple Lane said...

I understand your feelings. We all have those days. Please know that you are loved and appreciated by your blog friends. You are fortunate to have your parents, children/grandchildren and loving pets. Just take one day at a time.

Karen said...

I believe we have no idea what the road ahead holds, and we can only make decisions based on what we are dealing with at the moment. I doubt you've ever said... "Let's see here... I can go down THIS road and totally F my life up, or I can go down THIS road and everything will be fine. I think I'll take the F-ed up road, just to make my life harder. " No, I doubt you ever said that. So, move forward knowing you've been doing the best you can with the decisions you've made given the choices you had at the time. Now you move forward making the best decisions you can in this space in time. If there is something you don't like about your life now, start working on the changes you need to make to get to a better place. You asked yourself if you'd be more active in your church, with friends to do things with. You can get involved with church activities any time you're ready, and you'll build your circle of friends there, I'm sure.

Sounds like I'm preaching, but truly I don't mean it to sound that way. I've been in a bad place and had to figure my way out of it.. and this way of thinking is what worked for me.

Thinking of you, hoping you find real happiness in your life...

And Kudos to you for working with your dog and finding the good, building the relationship. So many people don't put in the effort, you're a great dog mom.

Beth @ E. lizard Breath Speaks said...

i can only say what i know from experience & that is ... that you heal with time, what amount of time, one never knows ... but there things that have happened in my past & i think back on them now & i know they sort of hurt but not has much now. i totally get the "what ifs", i think a lot of us are there some times. it is just human nature. & that is ok.

thinking about ya. big big big hugs. ( :

Kay said...

I've learned from my grief support group that we all live with "what if's". You are just being human.

Debbie said...

as i read this susan i realized i know very little about you. sounds like you have been through a lot of heart ache, perhaps more then one person should.

when i read your blog entries, i see and feel a strong, vibrant, life loving, kind soul.....that's missing something.

i hope you find what your looking for!!

Jeanne said...

I have also had many things in my life that I have wondered these same things about Susan, and a book that I loved and was very meaningful to me was THE POWER OF NOW. Such a great book, on e that really helps us see that the past is gone, the future is not here yet, and what we really have in our life anytime is NOW. Really makes a difference when we really "get that".

KK said...

I am male, less than half your age, maybe one third of your age, so I probably did not understand all of what you wrote.

What I understand is that the way you write and post pics here makes you look like a very optimistic person, which I am sure you are. I am also sure that you gave this great attitude of yours to your children too, so you might not have to worry about them too much.

Catherine said...

Sometimes it's so hard to quiet down those 'what if's'. They use up so much of our time and energy. All we can do is focus on the future right?
Keep strong my friend!
xo Catherine

Cheryl @ TFD said...

I'm sure we've all had moments where we wonder about the "what ifs". We're only human. I'm older and have come to realize that the best way I can live my life is not to dwell on things I can't change whether is is decisions I made or whatever, or things that happened beyond my control. And, to live the best life I can with what I have now, and not worry about the future overmuch and just leave it in God's hands.

I know you are a strong and wonderful woman from your writing and I know you can handle anything. Life can be so tough sometimes, but keep on keeping on. Take things a day at a time. Your friends in blogdom are here for you and wishing you the best! Love and hugs.

PS Your win pkg should arrive Tuesday.

Optimistic Existentialist said...

Sometimes the "what ifs" can really really weigh on us if we let them. They are sometimes unavoidable and should be met head-on rather than pretended-away. But also think of the alternative what-ifs. Maybe things are better now than they would have been in the alternate scenario (due to unforseen things). That way, you may have very well made the right choices all along!

Rose said...

I guess it is our age...sure spent a spell looking back at my life and feeling like I had not really did anything. Just know I know a lot of what you are feeling...just about different stuff.