Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Anxiety.....

I know I've talked about stress before, but what about anxiety.  Do any of you suffer from anxiety attacks?

  1. a state of being uneasy, apprehensive, or worried about what may happen; concern about a possible future event
  2. Or, uneasiness about a current situation that scares the hell outa you, or set your TEETH ON EDGE!

Ok, number two is my definition, but it's true, "like totally!" (in valley girl voice!)

I am one of those really lucky people that suffers from anxiety, not just once in awhile, but pretty much constantly.  So much so, that I take medication for it, as well as, medication for depression.
BUT, back to anxiety, I have been popping those pills daily and at least 3 times a day.  One during the day and two at night so I can sleep.  Anywho, I have had it with the drama at work, and all the changes going on.  It's killing me.  Now to be fair, I guess I should tell you that I have PTSD.  I had some really traumatic experiences in my thirties, so unfortunately certain situations can trigger major anxiety.  Oh hell, I don't even know where I'm going with this, I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.  

I also have a new situation in my life.  I know that I have mentioned that I was adopted.  What I didn't tell you that I was number 6.  A brother, number 5 was also given up for adoption.  I truthfully could care less about my other siblings or my biological parents, but this brother I always hoped I'd find.  Well guess what, he found me!  I've known now for about 4 days, and I've talked with him.  I have to admit my mind is blown.  In comes definition number 1.  I am apprehensive, and worried and in shock about it all.  I want him to like me, I want to like him, I want him to feel included in my family.  His adoptive parents have died and has no siblings, children or a spouse.  So, hence he was looking for his family.  I am so glad he found me, but I can't help but be....truthfully I don't know what the next word is, I have had so much trouble defining my feelings.  Ayayayay.......

Oh well, I love you guys!  Thanks for listening....

Susan

16 comments:

TexWisGirl said...

oh, big step in having talked to him at least! it has to be so surreal... exciting, terrifying, apprehensive is surely an appropriate feeling...

as for the anxiety, i do hope you can maintain it! you've got a lot of things happening at once.

Debbie Jones said...

I totally relate to this post because I am also adopted! I was adopted as an infant, third of four children or my birth mother, but was raised as an only child. I found my birth family when I was in my twenties without really searching. I really hope and pray that this reunion turns about well for you. (P.S. I also totally relate to the anxiety -- I am there too). Blessings!

Beth @ E. lizard Breath Speaks said...

wow, i hope it will work out to be a great experience. meeting your brother & all. do what is best & right for you. what makes your heart happy & fulfilled.

i have had issues with anxiety (now it is the hubby's turn, we both can not be nervous) - but thankfully never needed meds. i hope you can get it on a good track.

i love your header photo. ( :

Buttons said...

Oh Susan HUGS HUGS that always seems to help me.
My Mom was married before she met my Dad and had me I had to sisters older than I. I know one of them and spent time with her my other sister was adopted out and she found us about fifteen years ago. I was so nervous the first time meeting her and the first days before we met I must admit I was a mess. It turned out she looked just like my Mom and she was nice. I am so happy you are meeting your brother. One day at a time you will be fine. HUGS B

Optimistic Existentialist said...

How amazing that he found you when you had always wondered about him! That's like something out of a movie! Wonderful wonderful. I can see it being stressful...the nucertainty and such. But my sincere advice would be to try to think of all the good that can come out of it rather than thinking of the opposite. This is wonderful!

Karen said...

WOW, exciting news!!! and yeah, you've got alot on your plate.

I have suffered from anxiety too, had PTSD after a horrible incident six years ago, and have a prescription for Xanax when I feel it getting a grip on me, which happens every so often. I've had panic attacks, I know how dibilitating they can be. Awful!

Debbie said...

exciting stuff susan, what's not to love about you?!?!

you are so brave to share these things here, i hope it helps you!!

focus on the good stuff in your life. surround yourself with happy people and tiah....your on the right track susan, i can feel it!!

Rose said...

Oh, Susan, what a lot must be going through your mind. I don't even know what to say...how exciting to meet your brother. I would try to take it one day at a time.

I do suffer from anxiety about the craziest things...I have gotten till when there is something that stressful coming up...I just tell myself I will not worry about it till a certain time. So rather than worry for month, I will give myself X amount of days...or sometimes hours.

I know that sounds silly, but it really does help me deal. And as time has went on, I have started giving myself less and less time to get stressed.

Rose said...

And then there is this...Susan, what is not to love about you. I see a caring person...also a fun person to be with...and you are thoughtful and not full of yourself...your brother will like you. If not it is his loss, but I cannot imagine him being your brother and not liking you...you have to share some of the same genes.

Maple Lane said...

Praying for you dear friend and hoping all goes well. What a blessing you two can be to one another.

EG CameraGirl said...

Hey, Susan, I suspect your brother is also feeling stressed and wants you to like him as much as you want him to like you. Just be yourself! I'm sure he will like you just the way you truly are.

Florida Farm Girl said...

Oh, dear girl!! What a wonderful development. I'm sure he's gonna like you just fine, like CameraGirl said.

Catherine said...

I suffered from panic attacks for several years in my mid thirties and do experience bouts of anxiety now and then. I do know it is not an easy thing to live with. I'm glad your brother found you! I wish you all the best and that everything goes well when the two of you meet!
Big hugs!
xo Catherine

Linda Oakes Becker said...

Whoa...guess I should call you...
Did I ever tell u that I have a bio bro who was put up for adoption the year before me? I wouldnt mind meeting him. As for the bio `rents...based upon my and my boys mental un-health

Linda Oakes Becker said...

Ok lets see if I can finish this before posting...

Based on how mine and my boys' genes are "expressing" themselves I think there are a few funky things going on in our DNA. Dont really want to encounter the bio 'rents cuz Im guessing theyre freaking looney tunes. Not so many good (or good-ish) psych drugs back then in their day...

White Lace and Promises said...

I saw a therapist for PTSD about situations from my children and an accident that I was in that killed my baby brother. I started to see a therapist every week for almost 2 years. He is an EMDR specialist. Of course, I had insurance or I couldn't have gone. I want to help if I can, not as a know-it-all, but someone who really understands. It sucks! Believe me, I know.