Monday, January 28, 2013

I am....

I copied and pasted from Karen's post @ This Old House 2, and here it is:

 
I am: a good person, try to be kind, thoughtful, although I can be a real pain in the ass.

I think: I may actually get to heaven some day.
I know: I am a daughter of God and that he watches over me. 
I want:  a beautiful back yard with grass, a garden area, and a small garden pool that looks like a pond with a waterfall but is really a pool that I can sit in, the grandkids can play in and the dog can enjoy. 
I have:  I have everything I need, 5 children and 10 grandchildren.  What more could I want?  Ah, well a few things I guess.
I dislike: those that pick on those that they feel are lower than they.  That really pisses me off!
I miss:  being a young mother, being married, being pain free, caring what I look like.

I fear: Evil, even though is makes me angry more.
I feel: scared, lonely, anxiety, depression and I also feel God's presence in my life.
I try:  to get past the negative feelings and be happy, funny and cheerful.  I try really hard to smile at everyone even though they act like I didn't.  I try my best to put one foot in front of the other everyday in the best way possible.
I hear:  the washing machine and dryer.
I smell:  furniture polish.
I crave:  being skinny again.

I search:  for beauty.  I look for it everywhere I go.
I wonder:  if my job will always be this boring until I retire.
I regret: not spending more time with my children when they were little.  I should have read to them more, I should have kept my temper more, I should have been more patient.
I love: My Heavenly Father, my children, my grandchildren, my parents, my siblings, my home, my new camera, my dog, my cats, that my old car hasn't broke down yet, Merlin, Haven, Stargate Sg1, Being Human, Destination Truth, Finding Bigfoot, Big Bang Theory, SyFy Channel, anything paranormal, yata, yata, yata.
I care:  about those without the common needs that people need, I care about those suffering from heartache, I care about the environment, I care about animals.
I am always:  hoping life will get better.
I worry: about what would happen if I fall or have a heart attack or something and there is no one here to help.  How will I get help?  What if something happens that makes me end up with a horrendous hospital bill I can't possibly pay.  What if when I retire I can't afford to make my house payment or buy food.  Will I have to move in with my kids (which I'm pretty sure they just can't wait for that!) :))
I remember:  being a kid in California.  We had the best backyard in the world.
I sing:  at Church and in the car.
I argue: I don't, it's a waste of time.

I write: as little as possible.
I lose: when I wish for things that can't be anymore.
I wish: I was 35 again.
I listen:  to my instincts, my gut, to inspiration
I don't understand: abuse, any kind, human or animal.  
I can usually be found:  On the couch watching TV or at work
I am scaredof living out the rest of my life alone. 
I need: a hug, a shoulder to cry on, someone to lean on, to not be in pain anymore.
I forget:  I'm 60 going on 61.
I am happy: Even though it may sound like I'm not, I am happy.

12 comments:

TexWisGirl said...

i wish you lived nearby...

Optimistic Existentialist said...

I feel I know you now after reading all of this!! :)

Karen said...

What an honest, soul baring post.. and truly.. I swear I wouldn't believe you are a day over 45-50. at the most. You are a beauty, I hope you see this when you look in the mirror. Chin up and keep moving forward in the best way you know how... you're doing OK, and you'll figure the rest out as you go.

Funny.. most of the women I know who are married wish they could be alone again...lol...

Debbie said...

i wish you lived closer also...

i love your spirt and your voice! i love that you adore animals, nature and all the little things!! you have strong morals and values, i hope you are proud of that!!

you always "sound" so happy to me and i am always so excited when i see an update from you!!

EG CameraGirl said...

You sound like such a great person to have for a friend! I bet lots of people think that.

Rose said...

I am with Tex...wish you lived near by...would like to live by her, too. We could be the three musketeers...

S. Etole said...

It's good to know you a little better.

Cheryl @ TFD said...

You sound like a wonderful person, Susan. Anyone would be happy to have a friend like you. You are also a beautiful person, too. Loved reading this post, I may have to do one like this sometime.

Pride In Photos said...

So many of these thoughts also resonate with me also...just know you are not alone in your thoughts.
Laurie

Angie said...

I might have to borrow this post idea Susan, I like it! You sound a lot like me. I especially can see myself years down the road feeling the way you do. I'm going to have major empty nest syndrome I'm afraid!

Deb said...

It's fun learning more about our blog pals

White Lace and Promises said...

I think the thing that helps me the most is to talk about it and be real even when people can not take my brutal honesty. That's their problem. Yes, I am a people pleaser,to a point, but depression is not something I can control and if others can't handle me it's no more than they can handle diabetes, thyroid disease, hypertension (which I take medication for too.) That's their problem, but I do know isolation. I do know what it feels like to have no one. I have a husband, but I feel alone most days with him right here with me. Let me know how I can help. You are not alone.